Enough

What if I don't suck the most out of life? Or worse, what if I suck?

Do you find yourself counting opportunities not seized instead of just starting to appreciate what ya got?

Like, oh no I missed another one. Ugh how am I going to work a moment like that into my life again? Or maybe not so drastic, but well the day is shot and mostly I just want tomorrow to be better?

Be enough.

Today I didn't feel like "myself" at moments I really wanted to. I felt insecure, emotional, anxious, the list goes on. I hid in the kids' room while they played with the kindle on the couch. I cried in my daughters bed over my inability to get out of life what I want, which in my head is only the equivalent of what I put in. So, that's fair to expect right?  . . .

I think I know what would help me. I think it is what I need, even a good thing. But I fail time and time again to get it. So then I internalize, I mean there must be something wrong with me then. This thing is broken. Work the way you are supposed to, damn it!

Perhaps if I had no desire for this idea in my head I would enjoy it all more? I would crave less of what I'm not getting, because I'll be blessed by what I am getting? Which is a whole lot of chaos.

What if I don't suck the most out of life?

What if I wake up regretting missing out on what I tried to escape?

Most days I suck at this.

I lose my patience earlier in the day as the week goes on. I give up trying with disciplining when I just can't hear the same things come out of my own mouth one more time. I rush those sweet babies from one moment to the next in hopes to enjoy one, and for what?

It slips away. All of it. Life slips away. There is no possible way to squeeze out every ounce of awesome, because there is so much crap. There is no way to get it all. And that's okay.

This doesn't have to be enough. This world always leaves you wanting. Always.

This uptight controlling, fake it 'til you make it dance I keep doing is wearing me down. I don't even have the energy for it anymore.

I feel like my faith is a lot of practice until I get it, and for some things I haven't gotten there yet. So I get weary. I put truths on repeat in my head in hopes that they will click. I will have moments of pure surrender, and then I creep back in the way. I see something, make it my goal, and throw the rest out the window in some mad dash to achieve it immediately. This refining process I am in is slow, painfully at times. Days like these I repeat, "Where does my hope come from? Who is my strength? Whom shall I fear?" Questions I know the answers to, but somehow in the midst of all this I forget.

What does it mean that God is sufficient? What does it mean that grace is enough? That is what God is answering in my life these days.

Enough.