Filling holes

I have lost sleep over lost friendships. I have cried relentless tears over what once was, trying to make sense of what went wrong.

And now I can't tell you why.

Aside from my need to analyze everything and pull meaning out of nothing, I can't tell you why I get hung up over heart break. Why does anyone? Why do wounds from broken relationships sink so deep? Why do we let them take root in our hearts? They rip holes where holes ought not to be.

I am so unbelievably blessed with the people I keep close in my life. Friends and family in my "inner circle" leave me wanting for nothing. I'm finally at peace with that. I'm letting go of what I've lost, no longer grasping to make it what it could have been.

I'm done asking: why there were one way streets, why there were so many lies, why there was such disregard for what mattered, why relationships were given so little worth and abused, why they remained so shallow for so long. I'm done trying to fix things. What was is no longer. I am surrendering it to the past. Should something new form, great, but otherwise moving on . . .

It's not just moving on from others. It is letting myself off the hook. Trying to answer for my own mistakes when I simply don't have answers. At some point I just let grace permeate and be enough.

Because it is, isn't it?

Grace is enough.

Grace is sufficient.

I can move forward in gratitude for what God has filled my life with. Even when heart break leaves me feeling exposed or undone, I'm not empty. It cannot rob me of the joy that only God provides. The joy that lets me love life even in the absence of many things that could have been good.

God provides.

He is more than enough.

(Giving up that false sense of control, ya know?)