So much has happened in 5 years. A lot of moving. A lot of growing (in so many ways). A lot of changing. Marriage and parenting bring to the surface a whole lot of ugly in one's life. A lot to be worked out . . . Things you didn't know you struggled with. Things you didn't know you would be bad at. Things you didn't know you would have to over come. Faith comes to life in a whole new way when you are sharing life with someone, growing beside them, and trying to shape little minds. All those concepts you read about, were taught, learned songs about . . . actually get used in the real world. Who knew?! Yeah yeah yeah God is faithful. Yeah yeah yeah God provides. Yeah yeah yeah do not fear.
No really.
What does that look like? What does it mean that God is faithful? What exactly does it look like when he "provides"? What happens when you actually stop worrying and being afraid all the time?
Don't even get me started. Okay, get me started at least . . .
It looks like so many wonderful things. That's what.
Let's start with fear.
I'm not saying my husband doesn't struggle with fear, but I take the cake in this relationship. And it is a big cake. (preferably involving chocolate and raspberry somehow . . . I digress.) I can remember sitting on our bed in my parents' house not much over a year ago, and my husband looking at me saying, "You have so much fear, and you just let it control you." I'm pretty sure I was sporting puppy dog eyes trying to get him to say nice things about me, but all the while I was thinking and searching myself. "Do I? . . . I mean he sees things I don't . . . but I'm not afraid. Am I? Oh . . . hmmm . . . maybe he's on to something." I mean the conversation we were having was probably started by me wanting to change/control something out of fear of failure or things spiraling even more out of my control. He was sooo right and I knew it. He used to get so frustrated with me when I would come to him in this state. Like, "Not again, woman!" *shakes fist in the air* :) Despite his frustration, he has been incredibly patient with me while I come face to face with my own fears and let them go. He has taught me a lot about trusting God.
Based mostly on observation, and not a whole lot on good conversation, it is my opinion that a lot of people operate under fear without even realizing it. Fear of failure. Fear of what others may think/say/do. Fear of not matching up to what society (aka: facebook, media, etc) deems ideal. Fear of rustling a few too many feathers. Fear of losing "control" . . . ha . . . what control?
In my own life when things start to slip I immediately panic, think I'm doing something horribly wrong, wonder how this must appear to everyone, and seek to control SOMETHING. There are times when I have simply made a bad choice and am living an immediate consequence. (For example . . . weeks of poor sleeping and eating habits followed by irritable, tired, weak, cranky, sadness . . . hmm I wonder?)
But also . . . God is at work here, so be still already.
God's will is always happening despite me, and sometimes I misinterpret that. Sometimes I assume unfortunate events are evidence of my failures, rather than life simply testing my faith. Yes simply. God exercises his fatherly duties of teaching, molding, and refining me in a variety of ways.
I fear what will happen if I don't do do do, or think think think, etc. But sometimes shutting the heck up inside and out and tuning in with God a bit clears things up, aye? (Suddenly, I'm Canadian.) If this resonates with you at all, then shut yourself up already. Be still. Stop trying to control. Stop fearing. Trust. Trust. Trust. God knows. He sees. He cares. He's working, so trust Him. Thank goodness he knows what he's doing, because let's be honest . . .
This is what I need reminded of when fear takes over: Get in His word. Surround yourself with people who know God and you trust. Pray. And learn to let go. (and let God . . . couldn't help myself . . . some cliches . . . )
Now, on faithfulness.
This is simple. This is neat. This is one of my absolute favorites. God is faithful. Always. The end.
Well, okay I'll go on.
You aren't. I'm not. He is. Again. I'm not faithful again, and He still is. Annnddd I do it again, that unfaithful part. Annnnnddd He is still faithful. Still there.
God's will is always happening even if I'm over there somewhere in "Carissa's Willville" thinking I'm hot stuff controlling all sorts of nothing. He's constantly loving. Won't wash his hands of me, because I can't seem to get it together. Sooo gracious. Soooo patient . . . sooooo faithful.
That's truly all I'm going to say about that. Sometimes a simple reminder, that God is there and your mistakes haven't pushed Him away, is all you need for a sigh of relief and about-face.
And on to provision. Which is actually the reason I came here to blog today.
God provides what you need when you need it. (Might I add that sometimes you don't know what that is, and it doesn't always feel nice.) I mean, he physically provides. Tangible things that I can show you, literally, and say with confidence, "God did this." He has always been this way, but in the last year or two I have been humbled greatly by it all. I suppose also, my pride has been stripped away, and I am able to see God rather than myself as the provider. God does great things in our life on a daily basis. Food in our freezer. Food on our table. (Not food we bought-although he provided that too- food that was given) A gift of $. My neighbor plowing our driveway. Little, yet big things, always. It happens. He does that. It's not just something nice we say to kids in Sunday school so they don't worry. No it's TRUTH. Happens really . . .
Here's where my theory comes in . . . ya know the whole concept of dark times bringing you closer to God, and sometimes people stay in the valley because of that? When you have plenty perhaps you go to God less. Seek him less? God uses valleys to draw people in to Him. When you are at your lowest you really feel how much you rely on God's strength always.
Well, I'm applying that concept to provision. God gives us (speaking literally about my husband and I) just enough, but not too much. Because, honestly I would probably blow it. Not literally (okay maybe literally), but my pride would creep back up, and I'd feel pretty high and mighty being all privileged. Like, YESSSS I got this, and that, and this, and uhh . . . So, God says to me, "Here is what you need. No more. Because right now you are learning how to use it. You are learning my will. You are being shaped, and maybe one day you will have more, because you will know what to do with it. But right now, trust me to provide and seek my will."
Ahhhh that. That's what I heard today when I opened a gift and nearly cried, because it was so awesome to feel like I had extra. Then I opened a denied insurance claim, and my heart sank. God said, "ah but see . . . I have that more than covered with that gift you just opened." Don't get me wrong, I double checked the claim, and tried to get out of that. But . . . that voice got louder. I whined some more, and it got even louder. So eventually I sat down to blog about what He is teaching me.
We don't want for anything we don't need. Because God provides. Truly. He does it.
My little Benny the Pooh just woke up from his nap, so I'm done here.
Most things remind me of a song. While writing this "Favor" by Ambassador was playing in my head. Go get your Christian rap on. ;) And might I just add, it was my husband that brought Christian rap to this marriage, and that might be amusing to some. :)
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