Be prepared!!

And now that song is in my head . . .

My head has been spinning for a couple of days now. Too much on the brain. I am wrapping my puny brain around moving. Not just the physical change, but more so the lifestyle change. We are going from living our lives very much in the spotlight, so to speak, to living behind closed doors again. For over a year now we have lived at my parents', and so not a lot goes unnoticed. Generally speaking the bad things get the most attention, and not necessarily by other people. I am painfully aware of how much is seen by my family, and so when I mess up (or he or we) it lingers in my brain. I don't really know if it lingers in anyone else's, but I am assuming I hold the record for getting hung up on my own shortcomings for extended periods of time. (Grace, grace, grace . . . learn it)

Anyway, all this to say the day is soon coming when people will see less.

This is GREAT . . . and at the same time dangerous. This is a weird thing to write about, because most couples and families live every day on their own and probably think nothing of it. I'm forced to think of it. It's a huge change, and to be honest, a huge challenge.

Just before we moved up here I was not in a good place. Motherhood had swooped in with all its glory, and quite frankly knocked me off my feet. Not because I wasn't good at taking care of a baby, (not to toot my own horn, but I was boss. Lol . . . okay maybe not that awesome.) but because for the first time in, ever, I was home alone with myself. Full time. I had this little person needing me constantly, and then I had my brain. I didn't do well. My hubby and I were learning a new way of life together, and were communicating poorly. We didn't realize how much was going on all at once, and didn't process well.

 My wants/needs changed once I became a full time stay at home mom, and I guess I hadn't thought to prepare myself for that before hand. In addition to that, it became blatantly obvious with all my "spare" time that my relationship with God was lacking, to put it nicely. Knowing God and seeking Him out are essential to faith. Obviously knowledge grows with experience, but it doesn't grow with time if you aren't doing anything about it. I came face to face with that reality in a bad place. I felt very alone and utterly confused. I was overwhelmed by a lot at once, and it didn't have to be that way.

So . . . we moved up here and things got worse for a few months. Somewhere along the line though the communication going on between my husband and I changed. Somewhere in between simple cries for help to God and horribly honest conversations with my husband about our sin, things became different. Eyes opened. Completely unrelated to our finances and all that jazz that was going on at the same time. But I suppose all this spiritual and relational business happening internally and in our marriage most definitely influenced how we struggled with the practical every day stuff. Some days we were beat down and exhausted, and most likely those were the days someone else wanted to come in and talk about something . . .

Anyway. . . We've done a lot of changing and growing since we have been here, and now that we are moving on I hope we keep the momentum going. I can see how we let unhealthy habits stick around too long, because we never had to worry about someone else seeing. Well now we have a 2 year old that most definitely sees . . . everything . . . but still. Makes you stop and think about how much you let go when no one else is watching. I've let myself go in the past, and I'm concerned for the future. It will be different though, because unlike before I am living around people I know who I will see on a daily basis. Down there I isolated myself quite a bit. It was unhealthy for me. Perhaps some people can thrive being hermits . . . I cannot.

What am I doing about it? That is why I got on here to blog . . . and you can see how well that went for me.

I am preparing myself. First by being aware and looking at my past. Second by gearing up. I am reading again. WOAH . . . I know . . . I told you I've changed. I have to keep my mind growing . . . I have to keep myself engaged. Reading is a huge part of keeping faith active. For obvious reasons, like reading the Bible, but by being a part of the conversation (without actually talking- well unless you blog or actually talk about it with someone, which I always do). You can pull a lot of good things from reading books/blogs that make you think about concepts, theology, life experience . . . ya know? Not just novels. Although, novels are good too. Well, some of them . . .

gah, anyway, I also have 1000000 hobbies to keep me occupied for those moments when I'm not fully engaged with the kiddos. Shortly after Libby was born, aside from motherly duties, I did NOTHING. Literally nothing. I was just not myself.

Anyone who has known me as I've grown up knows I have a million different interests, and am known to be involved in one too many social activities. Although the later is not so much the case since graduating from college, I do still have a million different interests and growing. I mean . . . crayon art . . . come on . . .

With Pinterest who doesn't have so many different interests? It's the doing them all that drives you mad though. I mean some days I'm like, "What was I thinking?" as I stare at 1000 unfinished projects that I jump to and from. But I enjoy them all!

Prepared. I will be prepared for this change. Alone time and privacy won't sneak up on me. The temptation to let things go will not come as a shock and will not win me over.

That being said . . . if you show up to find my house a mess, the kids still in pj's, the TV playing the 10th episode of Barney or some other show, and me sitting on the couch sipping coffee and staring off into nothing it does not mean I have let myself go. (could . . . ) It probably just means Ben didn't sleep the night before (or the 9 months before) and I just need some time to be lazy and care about nothing. (This scene just happened yesterday, and is probably one of the 10000 reasons why my poor family will be glad to see us move out.)


Back to work . . . fall decor!

oh one more thing: read with me!!
I am following several of the blogs from these suggestions . . .
Challies: Suggestions