Multi-Generational Living . . . What We Bring to the Table

Well as I have mentioned many times. We live with my parents.

Sometimes we even do it well. Most days are fairly good, but occasionally there is a week, or month, or maybe just a day when things feel really hard and I want to run for the hills.

Our house is full of people: me and mine (Sean and the two kids), my sister who moved back in after graduating from college last May, and of course the owners - my loving and generous parents (oh and their 2 cats . . . ).

My brother's fiance called it camp one day when we were joking about turning our home into a cat shelter/ home for our ENTIRE family. So we often refer to it as "camp" for good fun.

Needless to say we are on top of each other. My family lives in the finished basement, but mostly Libby rules the whole house. Toys are located all over the place. And I spend a good majority of my day upstairs where there is more natural light and access to the kitchen. So much easier to not have to be up and down the stairs a gazillion times a day.

The decision to embark on this adventurous living arrangement was not an easy one to come by. Our move was a bit desperate and full of fear. I think we would have done it even in the mind set we are in now, but I still wish we had been a bit more trusting of God. Anyway, it was a hard decision that we made. It was hardest on me. It hurt my pride to move back in with mom and dad. I had imagined success meant something different than what it actually means to me today. When I ventured away from home to the big (small) world of college I saw "Success = nice stuff, more $, perfection, etc." But success is nothing like that in my mind today. I do consider our debt accumulation an epic FAIL, but . . . not a lack of success. Our story isn't over anyway so to stamp "successful" or "unsuccessful" on it would be premature. Also, I'm not measuring my life against the "American dream" anymore. I had previously gotten into my head that I was going to achieve this goal in a very short amount of time and even more, that I was entitled to achieve it quickly. Weird.

Anyway. We are successfully making wiser choices with money. We are successfully enjoying our children every day. We are successfully living a simple life (with a rather complicated schedule . . . ). Our success is not measured by our bank accounts.

Life is not about the Benjamins, baby.
   (funny . . . my life is a lot about my baby, Benjamin.)

I do want to be in my own, separate home again. Someday.

Back to our multi-generational home though . . . When we moved in I was full of fear and regret, and then we had this honey moon stage of living all together . . .

It was so nice to see my parents and sister after all being away from each other for years. We are a very close knit family. Watching my parents enjoy Libby was fabulous. Having 3 extra pairs of hands in the house with a toddler and baby . . . AWESOME.

Yes, yes, all good things. Living together has not always been fabulous though. I'm not just living at home with my folks and kids. I'm a married woman with a FAMILY of my own. A whole new way of doing things suddenly collided with the way I grew up. Sean and I were only married for just shy of 3 years before we moved in with them. That's not a lot of time to establish yourselves and really stand out as a separate couple and family unit. I thought it was, but since being "back home" I've realized how hard it is to set ourselves apart from one giant family unit. The every day grind is done mostly without my husband around too, so it can be difficult to separate "our way" from "the way" in the house. I'm not sure if that will make sense to people outside of our situation, but I'm trying! And this is not about a right or wrong way of doing things.

Basically, we knew living together was going to present challenges, but what those challenges actually are have kind of caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting them, even though they seem kind of common sense. Of course our ways of living will collide . . . I just hadn't realized how different they were.

We all have different expectations of each other, different wants and needs . . . and different ways of communicating about it. Finding that happy medium can be quite challenging. You're constantly coming up against how someone else is doing on any given day . . . emotions, schedules, HORMONES,  . . . just so much happening all at once. The daily coming and going and interfering with someone's plans. It's just a lot to juggle. It can be hard not to feel like a frustrated teenager who doesn't understand why there is always someone to answer to! :) It would be nice to not have to speak and not worry about it offending someone. But in a house where there is rarely a quiet moment, not speaking usually means there is a problem, and that would prompt someone to come talk to you about it. Lol . . . it's so true though . . .

I'll tell ya what . . . communication . . . IS the key to EVERY relationship.

Sometimes it feels like I'm expected to always be in a good mood. I'm not always in a good mood. I am a mother of a toddler and infant.

They are a joy, don't get me wrong, but there are days when I seriously consider whether or not Libby could handle everything for the evening if I just took a hike . . . needless to say I always conclude that, even though she can now climb into a kitchen chair and occasionally put Ben's paci in his mouth right side up, she is not ready to baby sit so mom can have some alone time. Darn.

Alone time just doesn't really happen in a house with kids and several adults. There are lots of things you know you will give up when you have kids, but it's not until you have kids that you truly grasp what those sacrifices are like. I miss me time. I said it.

Lots going on here . . . lots to share, so hopefully I will be able to keep up here!

parents check this out for some giggles: 20 Thing Only Parents Will Understand

Protect Your Minds

For whatever reason the issue of protection has been coming up a lot in my interactions with people or things I'm reading/learning.

I don't remember who I was talking to the other day, but the subject of what music kids listen to came up. Something that never ceases to amaze me is how concerned parents are with protecting their children physically, yet they don't seem to pay any attention to what the kids are filling their minds with. This is a big problem for many reasons.

Kids of any and all ages model behavior they are perceiving, and today's music makes some awful things seem like a whole lot of fun. Some messages that are really common in secular music today on the top 40 are: sex with strangers is fun which makes it perfectly okay, dancing and clubbing is for finding a partner for the evening, sex is only about pleasure, sex isn't complicated and has no consequences, do what ever you want and when ever you want to, you don't have to worry about consequences, being drunk is the most fun you can have, being feminine means dressing to arouse, cheating is fun and not a big deal, life should be like the movies, single is not ideal, violence can be sexy, sexy is what matters, if life isn't exploding with excitement at all moments then you need to ditch and find something better, etc . . .

You have to listen to a lot of crap to find the good songs most days.

I'm not blogging to get people to stop listening to secular music, but it's so important to think about the messages you fill your head with. I don't ever live out anything in those songs, but those messages can get to me. I find myself at times thinking, "Why am I not out there having all that fun?" Then I have to remind myself "oh wait . . . all that stuff has horrible consequences, not to mention I absolutely love my life and enjoy it! I never want to actually do those things. The fun they are having ALL THE TIME is what is so attractive to me."

I've kind of gone off on a rabbit trail here . . . I'll try to get back to my point, and that is that parents/peers who are aware/roll models need to start paying attention to what kids are listening to. Believe it or not music has a huge influence on behavior. Why? Music gets at your mind. It really does. So many people connect well with music, and if they are connecting well with negative or inappropriate messages then they may tend to dwell there. This could easily lead to inappropriate and destructive behavior. Start caring.

Some people don't even notice lyrics of songs, and just enjoy the beat. I can appreciate that, because I've been there and at times I do listen to a song because it gets me up and moving . . . however, whether you catch up on them or not those messages are still getting in your head. Sometimes people are also watching you listen to inappropriate music which may cause them to think you approve of what the message is. I don't think this is the case most of the time, but . . . food for thought. . .

I'll have to give a little shout out to my mother, because she always knew what we were listening to and what it meant. She used to ruin so many songs for us because she would ask "Do you know what this song means?" Then we would have to actually listen to the lyrics and process it beyond the beat. Often times it was awkward if a song was about sex and then we realized our mother knew that and wanted to talk about it. Hahahaha. . . It really drove me nuts, but I am so grateful that she did that. She really cared about what we were listening to. My parents also wouldn't buy us music that was inappropriate. I mean we found ways to get it if we really wanted it, but still . . . they monitored that stuff and talked about it with us so we knew why it mattered to pay attention to content. I think more parents should be doing this. If they are then great!

This doesn't just apply to music that is about getting drunk and laid, but music that is always about how awful things are or music that simply makes you feel sad. Why dwell there? Maybe having music that expresses your feelings better than you can is good in moderation, but constantly listening to it doesn't encourage you to pull away from that or improve. Ya know what I mean?

I hope this made some sense and is at least slightly encouraging. I don't mean to criticize people who love secular music. I really like some of it too . . . just not most of it and for good reasons.

Oh just to add . . . this same idea applies to Christian music too. Although Christian music is generally positive or trying to point in the right direction some of it really misses the mark or is just dead wrong and causes more damage than good because people buy into the message like with any kind of music . . .

I'm really rambling now. I'll end with this.

Music affects your thoughts, feelings, moods, behavior, you get the picture . . .
so listen to music that will have a positive/productive outcome.