I've grown up a Christian hearing stories of our biblical ancestors and history. As a kid I mostly took away "miracles". God does big crazy things. People experienced marvelous things in those times. Some how I have to learn a lesson even though God hasn't parted a sea or caused a virgin birth any time recently.
As an adult hearing people dismiss stories from the Bible as fantasies or metaphors hasn't really made me feel anything at all. I mean, I believe the stories. In the grand scheme of God speaking us into existence, parting the sea is nothing. So, of course it could happen. It wasn't until I started looking at scripture verse by verse that I realized it is about so much more than the miracles and crazy stories.
Scripture is packed full of stories about people like you and me. Same hang ups, same faults, same lessons learned. It's about humanity and God. It's about how our Creator walks with us through all we do, right or wrong. It's how the seemingly unimportant details of one person's life are weaved into a bigger picture. It's about how God is in the everyday mundane parts of our life.
The story isn't the big moments. It's the millions of moments in between that don't seem to matter. We think it is all about an "aha" moment. A "Woah, did you see that?" miracle. Sure, those moments will matter, maybe even solidify what we've been learning or even change our paths toward something greater. But every step along the path is important.
Important.
That word elicits action. If something is important we do something about it, right? We show up for it.
Well, I'm telling you the mundane ins and outs of your day to day life are important and worth showing up for.
How much time do you spend escaping?
Food, Netflix, sleep, sex, shopping, eating, running . . . all innocent things we overdose on to escape the unimportant parts of our life we can't stand. But what if we saw them as important?
What if living in a house I cannot afford to fix up to my standards is important? What if being too busy to have the social life I want is an important part of this story?
Imagine if what you are walking through right now matters. What if it leads to something greater and is necessary. Yes, the mundane, unimpressive, day to day tasks in front of you. What if they are the "aha" moment?
What if living in a house I cannot afford to fix up to my standards is important? What if being too busy to have the social life I want is an important part of this story?
Imagine if what you are walking through right now matters. What if it leads to something greater and is necessary. Yes, the mundane, unimpressive, day to day tasks in front of you. What if they are the "aha" moment?
I'm here to tell you they are.
This journey IS the story. It doesn't lead to it. You can stop looking for the pot of gold. You won't find it. You are living your story and writing it daily.
God is in the here and now. You don't have to go find him somewhere better. He is in the here and now. He is in the waiting for answers. He is in the long hard task before you. He is in the pain that stops you dead in your tracks. He is in the joy that sparkles in your eye.
He never left.
You don't or didn't feel him there? That's okay. Our feelings are deceiving. Think of all the lies that come from how we feel about ourselves. Now imagine how those same feelings form lies about God in our minds. Our feelings don't always lead us to truth. So how do we escape our lies and know God in the midst of what we are doing and feeling? How does truth get to us?
Be still.
This journey IS the story. It doesn't lead to it. You can stop looking for the pot of gold. You won't find it. You are living your story and writing it daily.
God is in the here and now. You don't have to go find him somewhere better. He is in the here and now. He is in the waiting for answers. He is in the long hard task before you. He is in the pain that stops you dead in your tracks. He is in the joy that sparkles in your eye.
He never left.
You don't or didn't feel him there? That's okay. Our feelings are deceiving. Think of all the lies that come from how we feel about ourselves. Now imagine how those same feelings form lies about God in our minds. Our feelings don't always lead us to truth. So how do we escape our lies and know God in the midst of what we are doing and feeling? How does truth get to us?
Be still.
I worked tirelessly to wade through the murky water for clarity. Mental gymnastics is what has worn me out more than any physical loss. It lead me deeper into hopelessness. I couldn't find the way out to Him. Because He was right there. Right in the midst of my pain.
I stopped fighting and surrendered to my feelings. It was ugly. It was painful. And there, in recognizing this is me, was God. Meeting me where I was at. With my soul on the floor He looked me in the eyes and said, "I am right here. You don't have to be better to find me or know me. I'm right here with you."
Suddenly, I was able to feel like I was bleeding inside, because I didn't have to run from that anymore. I could fall apart, because God is there for that.
He doesn't wait for you to get it together so he can continue your story. He is there in the most vulnerable moments when you are unraveling.
That is the story.
I stopped fighting and surrendered to my feelings. It was ugly. It was painful. And there, in recognizing this is me, was God. Meeting me where I was at. With my soul on the floor He looked me in the eyes and said, "I am right here. You don't have to be better to find me or know me. I'm right here with you."
Suddenly, I was able to feel like I was bleeding inside, because I didn't have to run from that anymore. I could fall apart, because God is there for that.
He doesn't wait for you to get it together so he can continue your story. He is there in the most vulnerable moments when you are unraveling.
That is the story.
You never derailed.
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I wrote this post above in a journal after meeting God in my darkest moments last fall. I was suicidal and feeling so guilty for that. I was so frustrated with not being good enough as I was. I was so tired of trying to be better. I felt so judged, because I couldn't just will myself out of it or make the right choices all the time that would help me get out of it. I felt so guilty that I couldn't choose. I felt so alone, because someone in that state of mind thinks they've already failed what mattered so what use is hope? I was taking a shower when I started to wrestle with wanting it to just be okay that I was feeling this way. I wanted to not feel wrong for thinking what I was thinking. I wanted to feel accepted, and not like I desperately needed to do better that moment. It needed to be okay that my best was actually my worst. And it was.
It hit me, not like a load of bricks, but like a weight was lifted off of me. It was okay that I felt that way. It was okay to be that distraught. God wasn't the one asking me to be better so I could be on good terms with Him. God was just there for it. Right there for it. I was enough even then. I was loved as is. There were no strings attached. No, "but you need to get better." That was all I felt from myself and other people, and not because of anything anyone said. You just know that people want you to be well, and that puts a certain pressure on someone who isn't well. Here God was loving me as I was and not requiring me to be fixed or show signs of improvement.
Every day since then He has built upon that hope I found in surrender. So much has changed in my life since last fall. I've made a ton of changes, but the most significant one has been finding peace with our life not being at all what we planned. Accepting that God is up to something and trusting He knows best has been so good. Hard at first, but the peace that comes with that is marvelous.
I'm learning to be still, and experience God in every moment of my day. Realizing I was never lost while I grieved and struggled with depression these last two years was so freeing. I can breathe again, even when it hurts. I can enjoy the little moments like opening up the front door and feeling light flood in. I want to be doing all the things again, and not because I have all the answers suddenly. Answers to my questions didn't free me. Love did. Grace did. Nothing I did was ever going to add up, and realizing I could stop trying so hard to fight my way out was the most peaceful moment of my life. Knowing I could be who I was in my darkest moment and still be enough . . .
We put so many expectations on ourselves. We think we can do it all, and we so easily forget who sustains us. We put our own wants, understanding, and feelings above God and what is really going on in this world. We get caught up in our hopes and dreams, and we forget that God's will is higher. He never promised to give us all we wanted. He will shape our hearts to want after Him, and He will give us Himself over and over again.
Be still and know, friends. Be still.
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I wrote this post above in a journal after meeting God in my darkest moments last fall. I was suicidal and feeling so guilty for that. I was so frustrated with not being good enough as I was. I was so tired of trying to be better. I felt so judged, because I couldn't just will myself out of it or make the right choices all the time that would help me get out of it. I felt so guilty that I couldn't choose. I felt so alone, because someone in that state of mind thinks they've already failed what mattered so what use is hope? I was taking a shower when I started to wrestle with wanting it to just be okay that I was feeling this way. I wanted to not feel wrong for thinking what I was thinking. I wanted to feel accepted, and not like I desperately needed to do better that moment. It needed to be okay that my best was actually my worst. And it was.
It hit me, not like a load of bricks, but like a weight was lifted off of me. It was okay that I felt that way. It was okay to be that distraught. God wasn't the one asking me to be better so I could be on good terms with Him. God was just there for it. Right there for it. I was enough even then. I was loved as is. There were no strings attached. No, "but you need to get better." That was all I felt from myself and other people, and not because of anything anyone said. You just know that people want you to be well, and that puts a certain pressure on someone who isn't well. Here God was loving me as I was and not requiring me to be fixed or show signs of improvement.
Every day since then He has built upon that hope I found in surrender. So much has changed in my life since last fall. I've made a ton of changes, but the most significant one has been finding peace with our life not being at all what we planned. Accepting that God is up to something and trusting He knows best has been so good. Hard at first, but the peace that comes with that is marvelous.
I'm learning to be still, and experience God in every moment of my day. Realizing I was never lost while I grieved and struggled with depression these last two years was so freeing. I can breathe again, even when it hurts. I can enjoy the little moments like opening up the front door and feeling light flood in. I want to be doing all the things again, and not because I have all the answers suddenly. Answers to my questions didn't free me. Love did. Grace did. Nothing I did was ever going to add up, and realizing I could stop trying so hard to fight my way out was the most peaceful moment of my life. Knowing I could be who I was in my darkest moment and still be enough . . .
We put so many expectations on ourselves. We think we can do it all, and we so easily forget who sustains us. We put our own wants, understanding, and feelings above God and what is really going on in this world. We get caught up in our hopes and dreams, and we forget that God's will is higher. He never promised to give us all we wanted. He will shape our hearts to want after Him, and He will give us Himself over and over again.
Be still and know, friends. Be still.
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