My Style

I can remember finding my style in high school. It was not in trend at the time, and I cared too much about what everyone else was doing. Aside from a wide leg pair of jeans with suspenders, a brown tweed clutch, and a black and white hounds tooth cardigan (which I still have!) I didn’t commit too much. I went to college wearing culottes for a little while, but was still too self conscious. 

I searched for two years for wide leg, high waist, button front pants. Finally they are back in style! I was getting ready to make my own. I told my husband the other day that my style is trending right now, and I’ll probably buy things I will wear until the end of time. He shrugged his shoulders in a, “Why are you telling me this?” sort of way.

I believe I was reading a description of my personality from an enneagram test when I came across the knowledge that there are other people out there that care about expressing themselves via clothing. I mean, obviously there are people who do that, because fashion. But I had never considered it a major personality trait before! My husband was doing the dishes while I read it, and he chuckled and said, “yup!” Music too. There are sounds, colors, styles, scenes, visions, etc. that accompany what I’m feeling in my soul. It is so very hard to put into words. 
I’m a 4 btw. (That’s right, peasants.) There were some aspects I didn’t relate too, and now I’m forgetting which other one it was that resonated with me too. Guess I’ll have to revisit that, but a trait of the 4s is “feeling better than other people”. I know for a fact I have come across this way, so much so that my husband said that sounds like me. Ouch. I was actually taken back by that, because my self esteem has been so low for a long time and I have believed so deeply that I am not good enough for most people. (But I do have fun calling him a peasant now.) I think it is something so very misunderstood though. I can 100% be too self absorbed, but it is because I am so desperately trying to connect to this feeling in my soul that I can’t quite communicate. Selfishness, for sure, but not better than people. Selfishness is something God has put on my mind a lot lately. We are working on it. 
Knowing who I am has been a party of this current season in my life. Owning and liking who I am, and being reminded of who God made me to be. I've gone so long believing God wanted me to be a specific kind of person that would require me to change myself completely to accomplish. To present a certain way to others, to appeal to people as specific kind of "good". An idea I have fought against for a long time, to the point that it made me angry and bitter. Which wasn't such a bad thing, because I'm not supposed to mold to some idea of "good". I'm not supposed to be striving to be good enough for the world at all.

When I take seriously my sin and my depravity it can easily lead to thinking I need to erase myself and go through some sort of transformation and come out on the other side looking like the perfect person. Dying to self or giving up my life for Christ does not mean erasing who I am. It means submitting the will and desire of my flesh to God's will. Make Him the most important thing in my life, not myself or what I want. This doesn't mean I'm not important. On the other side of things I am created for a purpose, so I know I matter. I know I am meant to be here. Image bearer, reflection of Him. Let that sink in. I, my personality, abilities, passions, etc., are a reflection of my creator, God. All those intricacies of how I relate to the world around me and express what is in my soul are a reflection of God. And someone else, feeling and thinking differently than I do, they are also a reflection of God. When I stop to consider how many different people there are in this world and how they all reflect who God is I can't even take it in. He's so grand.

So, while I'm over here trying to express myself via color, images, music, clothing, whatever . . . I am actually just expressing the part of God that He imprinted on me. I'm finding a way to draw out what is inside of me, so that others can feel it too. The Spirit in me.

I know that I am not better than any one else. No one is. I also know that God has put something inside of me that is not meant to be hidden. I'm figuring out how to express this thing placed on my heart, the purpose He has given me. The message He wants my life to be.

I could skip to the ending and say it's simply the gospel . . . His love, His glory, and it is, but the how is my life. God is accomplishing this through my life, and I'm looking inward and experiencing the how in my own soul. I am beginning to understand being a part of a bigger picture. I'm finding peace in knowing I don't have to strive to achieve something out there. I am who I am meant to be right now. I reflect God now, and will continue to as the journey progresses. Achieving some level of "goodness" will not unlock my ability to be Christ like, loved by God, or used for His purpose. I am experiencing all of that here and now, in this messy life of mine.

Here I am. In the thick of this life, figuring out my style. Not just the clothes that best reflect who I am, but all that God has given me to use for my purpose.