You matter to God.

I'm going to list some things you hear/read a lot. And then maybe remember to say something about each one.

"It's okay to not be okay."
"Allow yourself to feel."
"It's okay to be angry."
"You have no idea what someone else is dealing with."
"How can I help you?"
"Trust God."
"We are called to obedience."
"God will give you the desires of your heart."
"You are enough."
"You matter."

and I'm sure I'll think of more as I go.

Kintsugi (金継ぎ, "golden joinery"), also known as Kintsukuroi (金繕い, "golden repair"), is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powderedgold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. (taken from the first thing that popped up on my search when I typed in "gold in cracks of pottery" complete with typos.)


   So, I started thinking about this technique of repairing what is broken with gold. I've heard it talked about in relation to what God does with our brokenness. How He shines through the cracks in our life. . . beautiful right?

   I'm all sorts of cracked right now. What I'm resisting most in my heart is this voice that insists there is a right way this will look to the world outside if I am succeeding. Succeeding at this God journey thing, Christianity, faith, mental health, being the woman I'm supposed to be, approved by the majority, safe. I thought about this pottery. The point is not what we aim to get out of it. What cracked it and how it was put back together has nothing to do with us observing it. How it is cracked and the gold in it is the story. Our experiencing it is not the story. That's just the result.

   For me to tell myself that I need to keep it together for the sake of the greater good neglects my story. For me to believe that I will get weaved together to resemble a useful beautiful piece of the puzzle again, so that I can fit right back in to the picture the world has created goes against what I know about myself and God. I am not meant to resemble the world or what the world wants of me. I am not here to look like you. I am not here to look like what you think I should look like. I'm here to bear God's image and bring Him glory. I don't really know what that means.

   I know what success has meant to me up until this point. I know what it looks like to be a "good Christian". I know what being mentally unhealthy looks like and why the world thinks it is bad and needs to be dealt with! I also know that my feelings of failure and not being enough for this task before me are legitimate. But here is what I am coming to understand. My idea of success is wrong. Dead wrong. Which is why I keep failing it, and will never be enough. 

   I battle for my life. I fight the urge to give up. I cannot stand other people wanting to tell me what I need to hear to fix this. I cannot stand the idea that if I follow these steps to get through I will end up looking like them and everyone can breathe easy. I think that is missing the point. I think trying to pull out our ideas of what another person could be is damaging. I think allowing other people's opinions, needs, wants, voices, ideas, etc, to be the loudest voice in our head is going to do us no favor. I don't think we always know who we are, and the last place we should look for an answer to that is the world, and that includes Christians. God knows, and He will show you. Your brokenness matters. Struggles are inevitable in life, so to try to rid yourself of them is pointless. So, I'm thinking the struggles matter. The brokenness I'm experiencing is important. Not just because it is going to shape me into some functional piece of society that others might benefit from, but because it is a part of me. It's not that I bear God's image in spite of the fact that I'm broken. It's that broken I bear God's image. Whole or broken. One is not more reflective of God than the other. So the fixed version of me won't be somehow more capable of being filled with God. I will not be able to rid myself of my flaws, so why would I run from them, like they are going to keep me from God? This is not leading to an argument to behave however you want to and embrace what God considers sinful. We are called to obedience, and there are some behaviors that are clearly identified as sinful in scripture. We should certainly struggle against sin. But that's the thing though, we can't be free of it here. We will have to choose to struggle against it. Why do we treat people's sin as taboo? We want to know people are doing well in their battle, and that is a sign they are closer to God. Right? Surely if they are having an easy time of it they must be doing something right, and the reverse would be true. If they are having a hard time then they must be doing something horribly wrong and need our interference to save their sorry souls.

   God uses people to bring about  good things in each other's lives. I'm not disputing that either. But I think as people we tend to project our desires on other people more than God's desires. Sin and brokenness get in the way of society functioning well, so there is no room for it in succeeding.

   I'm here to tell you there is room at the table for your struggles. You don't have to check them at the door and pretend they don't exist to be able to do this. Let's talk about mental health. Faith is not just for the mentally healthy. Depression (or any other negative mental state) has a seat at the table. You don't have to have a better handle on that to be of use or value.

   When I consider my own depression the last two years a lot comes to mind. First of all, I'm not sure this will ever be gone for me. There are some issues I have in my head that persist. Some unanswered questions that lead to doubt and anger, and I know I will never have the answer to them. I know I will never know completely why God goes about bringing Himself glory the way He does, and why it is good. I accept that. Not knowing why doesn't give me permission to ignore what He has called me to through scripture. Confused or not, I believe. Confused or not, I hope. Confused or not I am convinced it will all be worth it. Here's what I don't believe though, I don't believe I have to shelf that issue of mine. I don't believe that has no place in who I am to this world. I think the very fact that I struggle with that matters. That is part of my story, and if my story matters then so does that struggle. God made me human and did not give me all of the answers to life's questions. When I say it "matters" I don't mean for you. I mean it matters for this private and intimate relationship I am in with God. I know God uses people and their issues to help other people, but also I think God uses issues as a way to reveal himself to an individual. That is a very private thing. I can describe what God does through my brokenness in as much detail as possible, but I cannot portray to you how every fiber of my being experiences God. That is unique to me.

   And you.

   So, when I or someone else wants to rid me of my darkness and struggles we are forgetting that God is actually doing something with that in me. For me, for His glory.
It's okay to not be okay means you don't actually have to get rid of the part of you that is not okay. It's okay that exists. I mean it's not okay that it hurts like hell and that brokenness exists, but you don't have to be void of that. It's okay to claim it. You aren't some taboo special kind of evil for naming your demons. You don't have to be okay for anyone's sake, even your own, or God's.

   Allow yourself to feel means don't hide from it. We can't ignore our struggles. They get louder when we do. They do more damage when we pretend they don't exist. They grow and fester and rob you of joy. Did you know you can feel broken and experience joy? Did you know you can be a broken vessel that can hold all the joy? Did you know that?
It's okay to be angry . . . even at God. He can take it. That doesn't mean it's okay to disobey God, because you are angry. You will answer for that. I'm trying to know God through my anger. I'm not going to tell you I've figured that one out. I'm not sure how God responds to our anger. I know He fights for me against my anger. And being angry also leads me to fear God more. That's what I'm learning currently. More on that another time, I'm sure.
You have no idea what someone else is dealing with. True that. You also have no idea what God wants of them through that. So shhh. Is it kind? Is it true (see scripture)? Is it necessary (phone a wise friend if you don't know)? Before you speak/type the answer must be "yes" to all three of those. All three.

   How can I help you? I never actually know the answer to this, because mostly you can't. I'm doing a thing with God here, and it has little or nothing to do with you. Do you need something? Is your question about you? If it is, maybe don't ask it. I get antsy and want to help people I can't. I know the feeling. I've asked the question. I know my God can get to them in the way they need it most.

   Trust God. Anyone who has ever gone through anything remotely difficult knows this is the easiest thing to say and hardest thing to do in action. Because we more often than not take over before we let Him finish. When was the last time God completed something in the timely manner you requested? Yeah . . . that's what I thought. You don't even need to tell me how many times you got in the way or are still currently planning on getting in the way. I probably have you beat.

   We are called to obedience. I've already said this in my writing here today. I am going to follow this by saying that God reveals a lot in scripture about who He is and how He wants us to behave. I don't always like it. If I'm being honest . . . which seems like a silly thing to say when talking about what God has said. I guess I don't like it, because it doesn't always make sense to me. He doesn't always tell us why. That does not mean we get to ignore it. I've talked about what God is doing in my life personally, and how no one can really understand that outside of me. However, that does not mean that God would call me privately to do something that goes against His word. For Him to do that would go against who He says He is and would make Him a liar. Which He is not. If you do not understand or like something God has made clear for us, I suggest not being defiant. Pray about it. Seek truth, not peace of mind. Our feelings get hurt a lot in life, doesn't mean God isn't doing what is good by His understanding of the word. Don't put words in His mouth. He doesn't like that. No one does.

   God will give you the desires of your heart. No. You cannot riddle me this one. You just can't. I haven't researched the scripture enough on this one. (And on any scripture I do not claim to be an authority, so don't take my word as gold.) People like to add to it saying He will give you the heart to desire what He will give you. That's a fancy way of saying you must want something ungodly if you don't have it. Which is just crap. God doesn't give us everything we want. End of story. His goal here is not to make you happy. okay now end of story.

   You are enough. I love and hate this. I love reminding myself that my kids will always want me. At least right now anyway . . . even when I fail them, they call out for mommy. So, in a sense I am enough for them. But also I'm a big fat failure a lot of the time and I know that I fail to meet needs and do the right thing. I am not always enough. Or ever really. I'm not enough for myself either. I do think the idea that we are enough can lead to the idea that we have all we need in ourselves. That's not true. We need Christ, because we are not enough. You don't have to be perfect, but don't rely on yourself. As someone who has relied on herself I can tell you with confidence you will fail you and others. So yeah. You are enough depending on what you mean by that. You matter as you are, regardless of your imperfections.

   You matter, for you and for God. When you fail yourself, you matter. When you fail others, you matter. When you don't want to carry on, you matter. When it's too heavy a load, you matter. When God won't move the mountains, you matter. He fights for you. You may not see it. You may not feel it, but He says it is so. We don't understand Him, but He proves himself faithful and true. Hold on. It is coming.