What is God doing?

Well, the long and short of that is that I don't know. But He'll do it and it will be good.

The end.


Just kidding.


For months God has been asking me to share and grow out loud. For months I have been ignoring that for the most part. It's too hard.

I love to reflect and share openly when I can tell the ending, explain why, understand the meaning . . .

I hate to reflect while I'm figuring it out. I worry that while my thoughts change directions a thousand times that people will judge me or misunderstand me. They might, but that's okay too. God will use that too. God will use every last bit of it.

So, I'm listening today.

I'm not at the end of the hard season yet. I feel very much in the middle of it even though it has gone on for a long time now. I beg for mercy on a daily basis, along with expressing my anger in case He forgot. I have to share though. People have to know they aren't alone. People have to know that being mad at God and processing something for a really long time before changing happens is okay.

I'm still angry that my babies are gone. I'm still very angry that despite wanting good things and all of our efforts we are still in a hard spot. I am so very disappointed that what I wanted and what God wants of us are different things.

It's okay to say that. I do know that at the end of this some day I will be blown away with what God does and how He moves. I will be grateful for His plan, His goodness, His faithfulness. But right now I do not like it, Sam I am.

I am not just still mourning the loss of our babies. I am mourning the loss of our dream. It doesn't matter that God will replace it with a new one. It still hurts. He knows that. He sees that. I don't feel His comfort like I did when we first lost our babies. I feel very much alone and quite frankly ignored. But I know better. This is the importance of getting to know our God, so that when unpleasant things hit the fan we can trust. I can say that I trust Him to do a good thing, but I honestly don't know He's about to do it. I can say with equal confidence that He might allow more suffering.

That's where my fear is coming from. I don't know that my efforts will produce anything. I'm so scared to fail yet again. Not that doing nothing is any more relief from that. What if I'm wrong again? What if what I feel lead to is not it and I struggle more and feel more pain? It felt right to get pregnant, but here we are.

I just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine, and that conversation was a divine appointment. I heard her describe exactly what I've been experiencing and how God moved in her life. It was beautiful. I cried. I'm still crying.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that we don't have more children and we won't right now. God is slowly moving my heart in a different direction, and despite knowing that will be good it is a hard thing to go through. It is hard to submit your will to God's. It is hard to surrender good dreams for a new one. It is hard to go in blind with no control. I get grounded by that truth a lot. I am not in control. Motivational talks are all about going after it and taking control of your life. I should listen to them less, because then I want control like nothing else. I'm not in control, and because I've given my life to Christ and want to submit to God's will things are going to get uncomfortable at times when we disagree.

My motivational speech would be more like, "It's okay to make plans and work hard and go all in after something, but if you fail it's not because you are a horrible human being or that you just did it wrong. It's because greater things are at work in this world than your small view of it, and when God is moving a different direction there is nothing you can do about it. Sometimes it's easy and great and sometimes it's not. But it's still good." But then I would struggle with the reevaluate and keep going.

Going where?

No clue. No idea here . . . trying to roll with it. Trying to sense and be open to God calling us a particular direction. Still feels like I'm in the dark on that one. I have things on my heart and I am exploring that and praying for direction. God moves a lot slower than I would like. That is something I will probably struggle with until the end of time.

My children are not handling "Let mommy work." well right now, so I have to cut this short. I will continue it. I have so much more I want to share and elaborate on.

I'll leave with a quick snap shot of where my heart is right now.

I'm mourning the loss of the life we imagined. I'm mourning ending this chapter of having babies, because as of right now I think that is the direction we are going. It's quite possible we will have more later, but . . . what do I know?

I'm very hard on myself. I'm reflecting on the ways I've disappointed myself in this chapter we are closing. I'm angry that we leave it on a sad note. Because I am experiencing God not giving me the desires I had I am scared that will continue and I'll be asked to give up more of what I wanted. I know His plans are better and His ways are higher. I look forward to understanding more (if that will happen here) and experiencing His plan. I pray it's easier than it's been. I hate that I will never not feel the loss of those babies. That will never go away or be good to me. He will do good with it, but that loss will never be something I'm glad to carry around. That rocks me to my core in some ways. I always thought of life's trials as "worth it". This is one I could do without, and it hasn't stopped hurting and I don't think it ever will. Babies aren't supposed to die. It's one of the evil realities of our fallen world that we unfortunately have to live with. Sometimes it's too much to handle and it can be easy to lose hope or the will to fight. I don't want to encourage doubt but it's real. I question how it can all be worth it and necessary for God's glory. I don't believe I'll be satisfied with an answer to that here. But again, I am grounded and know God's goodness is beyond my understanding. I trust that it has to be.

What a relief it will be some day to stand in the presence of God and feel no pain.

Sometimes the struggle is to not let that relief push you there faster. < That feels like a dark line to leave on. I think this is part of what I'm supposed to be sharing as I go through it. This is a part of my reality right now. The battle I'm facing, so to speak. I have a beautiful life despite what I'm going through, a life worth living. The struggles I am facing do not rob me of that, and I know that. This is a slow climb, and I'm positive there will be a lot of people who can relate to that.

If you are a worrier reading this, please resist the urge to fix it or recommend a quick fix. Believe me, I've prayed for a quick fix. God is the one doing the work here, and He operates on His own time that we know very little about.

I must go mother my sweet children who know I'm struggling and want me even more when I am. They are the cutest.

Soli Deo Gloria