Surrender

I'm sitting here after weeks of feeling worn out . . . in need of so much.

I've been holding on to a lot of feelings, most of them bad. I've been carrying them around in the back of my mind. Which, if we are being honest, are mostly at the forefront, just under the surface, and very much dictating my every move.

My time standing in the kitchen staring out the window has lengthened in the last couple of weeks. Obviously so.

Nothing good comes from holding on to bad feelings. Nothing good is accomplished by carrying around anger like some kind of right or badge. I don't feel any more satisfaction by being dissatisfied and unwilling to budge.

All of my thoughts boil down to the fact that his world is broken. The people in it, especially. I'm so needy and the people in my life are failing me. Per usual. I'm not saying that as an insult, but just as a kind of obvious observation about people in general. That's what they do. I do it too.

I'm not letting wounds heal, and instead I'm keeping them open so I can feel justified in my misery.

But I'm not really talking about. I'm not really going there. I'm not really letting anyone in.



My husband keeps trying to point me in the direction of comforting and hopeful things. He knows I need that. I know I need that, but do you know what that would require of me emotionally? Surrender.

Surrender is really hard for the proud. I'm proud.

I have to be emotionally vulnerable enough to admit that all I need is Jesus. Always. I looked elsewhere again, and guess what? It failed me. People failed me. People hurt me. I'm not surprised, and didn't expect anything else. But I hoped for it. I put my hope in the world. It shoved it back in my face.

I'm pretending to be strong and know better. Once I stop I will come undone.

I'm so tired, and there is so much to do. I am too proud to come undone right now.



But I'm weary. And my weariness is preparing me more and more for the day when I say "no more". Then I will likely melt into a puddle and tired heap at the feet of Jesus.

Pride is the worst. I know embrace awaits me, and I can't do it. I can't let myself cry. My body is physically too tired for this. There is no safe place to rest. There is no quiet. There is no break. There is no guilt free opportunity to put this need first. Not in my mind, not in this world. That brings me back to the anger and at the same time comfort in knowing this world will pass. Some day people will stop experiencing this. That's lovely.



So, I went to an Audrey Assad concert recently. She sang "Bridge Over Troubled Water". I had been singing this for weeks around the house prior to this concert. It wasn't a normal part of the set, but she decided to do it that night, while I sat there in the audience. It was beautiful. It was a divine appointment, the whole concert really. I didn't want to go, and it was refreshing.






This last song I'll leave here is the first song I heard by Audrey. She also performed it a the concert and I was glad. I was standing next to my husband when we were both checking out who she was on Youtube. (The concert we went to was Andrew Peterson and Audrey Assad. Andrew Peterson is my husbands fave, but we hadn't heard much about Audrey.) So anyway, the first verse of the song appeared in lyrics and my husband looked at me and said, "Well that's perfect for you." I was like, yeah yeah. But it really was. Is.

Here it is: "I Shall Not Want"
I need to hear this song all the time.



I had a pretty strong revelation while sitting at the concert. God was answering some pretty big questions I've had over the last, oh 10 years. It was kind of a big deal. But I can't quite get into that. I don't like sharing my thoughts with strangers quite like I used to. Not that deep anyway.


That's all. I need to get some sleep. I hope you enjoyed these songs. They speak to me.

Pray for me. I'm weary.