Baby Blues . . .

Unfortunately this post is not about eyes . . .

Postpartum blues

To skip to the "long story short" version, scroll down a ways . . .

I've been avoiding blogging, because life has been hard lately. I've been trying to spin it all in my head to become some inspirational message of hope to the nations.

Well, anyway,

I haven't even been on pinterest in a while. That's how bad it's getting. Lol . . . but in all seriousness this is serious.

I had postpartum depression after Libby was born at about 3 months. Then our life just got messy in general, so I'm not really sure when it "ended". It's a blur. Now I find myself questioning if what I'm experiencing is just life or postpartum. But it has hit me exactly when it did after Libby, so I vote both! :) Our life is jam packed, and not necessarily in a way that makes me "busy" but the weight of it all on my poor mind makes me feel like I don't have the time or energy for anything. I love my kids to itty bitty pieces. I have days when I don't want to care, but I can't not care about them. There are days when all I want is to be alone until I say so, but I know even if I got that I would miss my family and wouldn't be able to stand it.

Obviously I'm tired. I need endless amounts of sleep, which won't ever happen. Coffee is great and all, but I'm very limited in how much I can drink without upsetting Ben's tummy. The little booger is starting to get this sleeping at night thing down, I think. So hopefully soon I will be sleeping through the night regularly, and that will help immensely.

My husband is not available to co-parent very much. We get him 2 hours a day. At least, that is what the schedule says. There are days when I require more time of him, but it is never enough. Our time starts after dinner, just shortly before Libby goes to sleep. So most of the time is spent getting Ben to sleep and sitting on the couch exhausted. He works nights so I don't get to sleep next to him. I miss him all the time. We are ships passing . . . all the time. We signed up for this, and we knew it would be hard. It doesn't get easier. We are used to it, but it is not easier. It wears. Daily.

Not being out on our own feels ugly lately. I know and have said that it doesn't mean we aren't successful, but it sure feels that way sometimes. Like every day we are there we are failing. Every day we are there is one more day people don't respect us. Our progress with paying off loans is slow and grueling. I want to see change in leaps and bounds. It doesn't happen quickly though, so I just feel defeated. Like there is no way we can climb out of this hole. I care too much about what people think of us and how we measure up to what they think we should be doing. I assume people look at us and see our mistakes. Mostly, because I look at myself that way. I just see failure on top of failure. I know I'm not doing the things that everyone else thinks I should be all the time. And I don't care, otherwise I would do those things, but it still wears on me.

On a more positive note, our faith has grown leaps and bounds. We know there is hope. It is just so small some days. We keep learning more and more about ourselves . . . mostly bad things, but we have to learn those things too, right?

I keep hoping to snap out of this funk I'm in. Doesn't work that way though. I keep going. I feel like I'm pushing up against a wall most days. Like it doesn't matter how much fun I have with Libby or how stinkin' cute Ben's giggle is . . . I can't quite pick myself up. I'm on edge most of the time. The slightest disappointment can make me angry. Not something I'm proud of AT ALL. It is embarrassing actually.

Mostly I feel like a hot mess that just has a ton to work on. I seem to not do much of anything well. My prayers go something like this, "Uh, God, I'm a hot mess. Little help please," or "You are incredibly faithful to us, and I'm doing most thing pretty poorly, but um . . . help."

I'm not trying to sound like, "woe is me" . . . I hope this isn't coming across like a whiny diary post.


So long story short: I feel ick. I'm a mess. Need to improve on myself. Need to trust God more. Need to cling to God more. Need to stop projecting. GRACE GRACE GRACE and some forgiveness too.

And I'm done.

This is why you haven't heard from me. This is a snap shot of my head. This is what you can pray about. :)

Little bit of encouragement for poor people everywhere . . . since Sean started at both of his jobs in October we have paid off over $5,000 in debt. In 6 months. :) I know, I know . . . that's progress. But it's soooo small compared to what we have left. And we live in my parent's basement to do it . . .