We are learning quickly that just because you live with someone doesn't mean you know what's going on with them. I mean I spend hours in the car by myself where I think about all sorts of things, things he has no idea I'm thinking about. Sometimes it's hard to remember to share the important things with him. I'm assuming that goes both ways.
Anyway, my hubby and I are great :), so that's not the point of this blog.
The tides have turned for me . . . I once dreaded my commute and couldn't wait to arrive at either school or home. Now I dread arriving and can't wait for the commute. WHAT?!?! Well that car time has turned into my worship time, so . . . it wins. "Positive, Uplifting, Word FM" or Newsboys, or Kendall Payne, or Casting Crowns, or Caedmon's Call, etc. It's a good time. I'm getting back to my old self though. What does this mean for you? It means that most blog posts will be packed full of lyrics from whatever song is my favorite at the moment. Lucky you! For any of you who knew me during my Xanga days you know full well that I was obsessed with sharing about myself through someone else's songs . . . well it won't be exactly like that. I'm much more upfront these days, but I will definitely enlighten you on what song seems to fit.
So today's life lesson/insight into my mind comes from Kendall Payne and Newsboys (original with Peter <3)!
I've wasted a lot of time being angry for the past five years. I've been angry at people for letting me down. In a lot of the situations I was right to get angry, but I have been so wrong not to forgive. I've been carrying around some of this stuff since my childhood, so I'm not talking about even after event that has made me mad the last five years . . .
(ooohhh well look at this . . . the old Jenn Knapp is going to make an appearance too . . . )
"There are ghosts from my past who own more of my soul than I thought I had given away. They linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed. A great fool in my life I have been. I have squandered 'til pallid and thin. Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame for the darkness I know I've let win."
I've spent the last couple of years realizing I have been carrying around baggage that I should have given over to God a long time ago. It's been a slow process though, and after being angry for so long I have developed habits that are hard to beat. I've had such a hard time forgiving people. One of the things that has helped me is realizing the things I've done that have contributed to negative situations or caused pain in someone else's life. It's been a humbling process. Sometimes I intentionally hurt people, and other times I didn't. I want forgiveness from those people, but it's not fair to want what I can't give.
I have a really hard time trying to explain what I'm experiencing . . . especially when there is a song that does it for me . . .
The Newsboys have a song that sums up what I'm trying to describe . . .
This is "Let it Go" from their album Take Me to Your Leader
You are waiting on a beach for a healing word to come.
Maybe an apology in a bottle, maybe a flower that says "I'm sorry,"
And the hurting leaves you numb.
Will you forgive? Will you forget?
Will you live what you know?
He left his rights. Will you leave yours?
You don't understand it.
Let it go.
You are waiting on a beach, this is where the east meets west,
And as another sunsets on your anger
The darkness laughs as the wound destroys
and it turns your prayers to noise.
Will you forgive? Will you forget?
Will you live what you know?
He left his rights. Will you leave yours?
You won't understand it.
Let it go.
The bitterness you hide
It seeps into your soul,
And it steals your joy
'Til it's all you know.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Will you forgive? Will you forget?
Will you live what you know?
He left his rights. Will you leave yours?
You won't understand it.
Let it go.
Will you forgive? Will you forget?
Will you live what you know?
Beneath the cross you hear His words,
"Father forgive them,"
And you know you can't understand it.
Let it go.
So anyway. I just love this song. It's spot on. The music is wonderful too. It's so beckoning. This song gave me the "Oh my gosh, Yes!" reaction just yesterday. Don't you love it when you revisit old songs and you finally understand what they mean?
I've been wanting to share with people about what I've been experiencing lately- the whole forgiving and letting go thing. The truth is no one will feel it quite like I do. No one will really understand what this means for me. Sure they can relate in their own ways, and I'm not diminishing that, but . . . I can't explain the weight that has been lifted off of me. I feel different. I literally feel lighter (no I haven't lost weight). My mind is moving in slow motion now and I'm just soaking up everything around me and loving it again. It's like I'm watching everything I'm coming out of slowly fade away, and now I have this fresh start almost. I've been incredibly motivated to do more for God. I really want to be able to use my gifts for Him, and now that I'm finally moving forward in my life, rather than constantly focusing backwards, I hope I can use them in great ways.
I want to share one last song by Kendall Payne. This song is about where I've come from and how much it means to me to be where I'm at now.
"Belonging"
When you've been wounded, deeply wounded by a friend
You wonder when, if ever, you will trust again.
When you've been broken, deeply broken by a man
You wonder when, if ever, you will love again.
Truth be told I'm not quite sure when things went right,
But the darkest tunnel always has a distant light.
And I've arrived, yes I've arrived and right on time.
You were there to greet me arms stretched open wide.
You were there to meet me on the other side.
Now I believe in something. It's been a long time coming.
It may not meet that much to you, but it means all the world to me.
I'm belonging somewhere. It took me time to get here,
But now that I've become a part of you I never want to leave.
When you've been hurting, deeply hurting all alone
You wonder when, if ever, you will find a home.
When you've been searching, endless searching for the truth
You wonder when, if ever, it will search for you.
You wonder if someone will ever search for you.
Now I believe in something. It's been a long time coming.
It may not meet that much to you, but it means all the world to me.
I'm belonging somewhere. It took me time to get here,
But now that I've become a part of you I never want to leave.
I'm sure so many people can relate to this. Coming out at the other end of the tunnel means all the world. If there is one thing I could say I've learned through all of this . . . love.
I'm so thankful for all the people who have prayed me through different circumstances. I can think of so many who I know have done this for me. sigh. Just, thank you.
I'm getting back that joy.
and it's been a long time coming.
<3
Love ya.
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