I logged in to blog and got distracted reading blogs. I can't even remember what I was going to write about . . . but it will come to me mid sentence on this new subject . . .
Church. Churchiness. Church appropriate behavior, which I do believe there is . . . btw.
Weeks ago when Libby started singing whenever she felt like it during church I began to panic, and every Sunday since I have had this uneasy feeling that she is going to sing loudly something very distracting, and God forbid, secular. Of course most people can't make out words she is singing, but they do know the tune. And I don't expect most (maybe 2) people at our church would recognize Beyonce's "Single Ladies", but yes Libby will flick her wrist and sing "ring on it" whenever the mood strikes her. Although lately her thing is "Let it Go" from Frozen.
She has the sweetest voice, and sure I win mad brownie points when she just won't stop singing "Rejoice in the Lord always" (somehow- I mean what old lady in church wouldn't find that adorable?!), but my brain has been embarrassingly transformed to the pattern of some sort of-everything must be cookie cutter perfect- world of nonsense. I mean really. What is wrong with me?
Fear for sure. We, speaking for my husband here too, can easily get caught up in the worry of whether or not we are pleasing people enough. Are we living up to expectations? Are we giving them all they need from us? (want - let's be honest . . . more often we want but don't truly need what we ask for) Obviously as a pastor he has pledged time to serve people, and we obviously want that to be in ways meaningful to the people we serve. But for real, when in a church are all people pleased? Ha. I know there are members of the church who would love it if my daughter interrupted things more often, because it is so precious. But I also know (or perhaps hope) that people don't go to church hoping to witness something cute from a toddler. They go to worship and know God better. That's what is at the root of why they go. . . I think . . . I hope.
Not gonna lie. There are days when I go to church, because if I don't my husband will get upset. I mean some days after long nights up with the baby or simply exhaustion from the week . . . not having to get dressed to go sit in the nursery for half the service sounds pretty darn good. I've been in battle with myself over church things for a some time now. Our church is small, and dare I say, tired. With so few people most members have a big role and have been doing it for years and years. Makes you stop and ask yourself if it is worth it. Does it bring glory to God? Is it done with purpose or just because that is what one does at church? A church shouldn't exist simply because they feel like it. It must have a purpose and must be actively living out its mission. If you are just doing it to please yourself or someone else . . . well why? If it does not further the kingdom and bring glory to God, then relax already!
I see tired, but I also see desire. I see the desire to serve others, to learn more, and to do it faithfully every Sunday. I don't see anything wrong with that. So lets make sure we don't stop serving, learning, and being faithful. Because if we stop doing those things and start trying to simply fulfill expectations we are severely missing the mark. The people my hubby preaches for keep coming back to know God.
NOW that being said . . . :) . . . I feel as though my responsibility right now is to support him, help with events or things as I am able, and . . . be a mother. Wait, what does that have to do with being a pastor's wife? Um. I'm a mother. It has everything to do with being a pastor's wife. I'm the pastor's wife who has 2 small children and is responsible for raising them. I have a 7 month old who nurses, almost always shortly after my husband starts his sermon. Seriously, frustrating. I have a much deeper appreciation for larger churches with nursing areas. Brilliant. Oh and nursery services. I know I could ask ladies to help out, and Libby often does sit with someone else, but I also know that we are there to serve them and I will not allow them to sit it out in the nursery every week because my children can't sit still or need to eat. I am planning on getting an intercom or monitor set up, so I don't have to miss the sermon all the time! And once Ben is done breast feeding I will probably allow someone to watch them for me occasionally, and especially if I start singing more in church.
Just to clarify, no on has said anything that is making me write about this. I am just writing about it to . . . sort things out in my own head, and to help people understand it from another point of view. Who knows . . . maybe you wonder what your pastor's wife should be up to. Perhaps she is called to something different than you think she ought to be. Perhaps like me, she doesn't accept help well. I know I don't want to be a distraction or create more work. I want to be involved, but I can't be if I bring the kids along. Someone has to watch them, and I am TERRIBLE at asking people to (except my mom and I know she does enough.) I feel like it would be huge inconvenience, that people would do it out of guilt, . . . whatever. I always have some excuse in my head for why I don't set things up better. . .
I often feel like a mascot. I'm there so people can say I was there, but mostly I'm preoccupied with children and contribute nothing except presence. Forgive me if sometimes I'm too tired to care about my presence somewhere. I think service without anything in return is beautiful and I enjoy giving of my time and energy, but I also want relationships (aka something in return). Right now at this stage of life with small children and living a distance from the church and community we serve it is not easy to build relationships. That is really hard for me. I crave mentor like relationships with older women. I crave relationships with moms like me who can relate to my every day life by saying "me too!". I crave friendships with the people I church with. I'm learning and worshiping along side you, best believe I want to know you too . . . I want to be able to share my struggles and triumphs in this walk of life and be a part of yours!
There are several things in my life that require my time, and I'm learning how to best juggle it all. I don't do it well all the time. I know that. But I'm a work in progress. It's a process . . . ongoing.
I could ramble even longer . . . but I won't. Because I forget why I started this or where I wanted it to go or if I accomplished anything, so before I over analyze everything . . . I'm out.
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