Well
This whole pastor business is different.
I have to say I am incredibly proud of my husband, and learning so much about him through this whole process. We have been bickering about different details lately, and for no real reason. We are pretty much on the same page about everything. I'm so used to him disagreeing with me, that when he goes and does something that I would have done (without me sharing my opinion) I'm so shocked I argue. Lol.
I just need to take a step back and enjoy watching him handle things. I do really enjoy it when he handles things haha.
My role lately has resembled that of a secretary. I re read his emails to make sure he didn't miss something (he often does), I made him a weekly schedule to follow and I keep on him about it (like a mother), I edit things, print things, critique his sermons, write scripts for him when he has to take over something in the service he isn't used to. The man has hard time speaking on a whim or without planning every word. He will get better. He is great at writing sermons (in my opinion), but speaking is a work in progress. I will say though he gets better every week and is really seeming more comfortable. Just goes to show that God doesn't just call people who already have every possibly quality needed to do a ministry perfectly. He calls whoever he chooses. Look at Paul . . .
That brings me to why I wanted to blog in the first place. Being a pastor's wife . . . or just being called to a specific ministry in general . . .
I wouldn't say I have ever felt strongly that God wanted me to be a pastor's wife. Do women get that feeling? I mean my response was quite the opposite. Like an, "ugh, that's the last thing I want." I remember standing next to Sean at the ocean one night (yeah get ready for awesome imagery). We were facing a storm. Literally. . . it was stormy. And he was upset about God calling him to ministry. He was making it very clear that he was tired of standing up against his friends and even losing some for the sake of Christ. He never "wanted" to be a pastor, but he felt a clear calling to be schooled in theology and serve God in a teaching/pastoral role. But he was done. That night he was claiming defeat, because he felt so alone. He felt like he was the only one making the tough choices God wanted him to. (which I tried not to take as a critique on my own walk, ha) . . . and I stood there watching him, telling him he wasn't going to stop, and thinking "okay, God, it's clear why you have placed me in his life. I am to support this man as he does his best to carry out Your will for his life. I can't let him give up. I can't let him stop going." So here I am. A pastor's wife, against my own will.
But why? Why would I feel strongly against being a pastor's wife. No good reason, really. Just fear.
I'm guilty of unrealistic expectations or unfair judgments of pastor's wives . . . and have feared and do fear the same thing happening to me. I know people do it . . . so it's just a matter of how that will play out. I have the same fear for Sean, and unfortunately have allowed that to keep me from supporting him fully at times. I worry way too much about what people think of our shortcomings and don't care enough about how God uses us regardless. . .
The man is far from the ideal "pastor" if there is such a thing. And I might be even farther from the ideal "pastor's wife" . . . it's true . . .
We are people. We are no different. I am the same person today that I was before he got hired as a pastor. Obviously we will grow and change with time . . . but . . . so will you (whoever you are).
I told myself for so long that we weren't ready for this stage in our life. We aren't suitable to be pastor and pastor's wife. We aren't godly enough. God wouldn't use us until we are better. We don't have our household in order all the time, so how can we do this? How can he be a pastor when he is still working on being a household leader? How can I be a pastor's wife when sometimes I don't even like him? I don't read my Bible as much as I should. I don't pray nearly enough. I fail to support my husband the way I should. I'm not constantly seeking to grow my faith. I swear sometimes (although not nearly as much as when I was a youth pastor's wife . . . lol . . . no but really I don't and I did). Church isn't what I want to do every Sunday. I don't always want to go to Bible study. I could go on.
I'm a sinner. But I'm also redeemed. My salvation doesn't depend on what I do. Thank God. It has never had anything to do with me, and thankfully never will. I'm going to keep on messing up religiously. And God is going to keep on being gracious and forgiving. What a beautiful thing. How undeserving are we . . .
God didn't look down on earth and say "Wow, Sean and Carissa have it going on, get them in a church ministry!" God doesn't go around looking for the perfect ones to fulfill His will. He would never find them. He gets it done using broken people like us. I have no clue what God has in store for us at the church or how exactly he will be using us, but I pray we don't get in his way. I'm just thankful He knows what He is doing.
So yeah, I'm a pastor's wife. So far it has changed how I spend my time and where you can find me on Sunday and Tuesday mornings, but I'm not suddenly holier than you or better off. And I definitely don't feel that way about myself. More than anything this is humbling. I can quit trying to become the perfect person for the role . . . because there is no such thing . . . and I shouldn't be focusing my energy that way. My goal in life should not be to be the best pastor's wife. It should be to be like Christ. I can stop making mental lists of all the things I need to do or change to be good enough. That focus is just so wrong. Yes I want to be a better person and learn . . . but the end goal is Christ. Not pleasing people or meeting expectations of people. By all means encourage me and challenge me especially when I'm off course, but this is a life long process. I won't arrive at where I need to be while I'm here. So I can stop waiting for that, and so can anyone else who has the same expectation.
And this has been my thought process over the last several weeks in regards to being a pastor's wife. It's a lot like becoming a mother. "Wow, am I even suitable for this position? Do I have any idea what I'm getting myself into?" or a mother for the second time "What on earth where we doing?!? We know we're not ready for this!"
Here we go . . .
2 weeks and counting to our next earth shattering life change . . .
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