Someday I'll Understand

Do you ever look back on life experiences and wish they had gone in different directions? I'm not talking about regret, because in these cases it was out of your hands in some capacity and can't be chalked up to mistakes.

I've been feeling this lately about some relationships in my life. I think, "oh man if only things had gone like this back when . . . then things would be totally better and different now." If I had only known then what I know now . . . ooo that one gets me all the time.

I get in these moods where I feel the need to say something to someone or do something to try to turn back time and correct wherever things went wrong. . . but I have to stop myself. I may be at a completely different place with the situation than anyone else involved. Maybe there will never be a chance to correct mistakes or turn in a better direction. Maybe some things really do come to an end. I'm usually okay with this concept especially with relationships. Time, distance, whatever . . . people change and grow apart. Personally, there are a couple relationships I just don't want to see go, and in my mind I'm holding on for dear life, hoping for a chance for things to change for the better.

Maybe it's denial. Maybe I'm just postponing having to mourn the loss of certain friendships that meant so much to me. I have had some amazing life changing relationships. For the people involved I will ALWAYS cherish them for the part they played in my life, and I will ALWAYS care about how they are doing. I just can't help myself. It is so hard to let go of relationships that were that special, and it seems like no matter what I say or do I can never fully express how much I love them. I just want them to know!! Even if the friendship can't be what it once was . . . I just want them to know . . .

Some day I am going to know why. I am going to know God's purpose for these relationships outside of the obvious. I'm going to know why they couldn't continue the way they once were. I will understand all of this some day when I'm not confined by this tunnel vision.

In the mean time . . . I'll keep my thoughts confined to vague blog posts and conversations with my husband.

LOVE YA!